Okay, it’s been a minute since I’ve been on the blog scene. Honestly, for personal reasons I was contemplating not coming back to it at all. Not because of what’s going on in my life that appears to be shitty but because of the positive aspects as well. The time just doesn’t seem to be on my side to commit to the blog page. However, the truth is I can’t stay away. Writing is and will always be my first love, my bitch… It’s even surpassed sketching & painting, which I adorned from a tender, young age. Despite a laundry list of pros & cons to staying or leaving… I have had so many reasons to chuck up the deuces…
But the main reasons why I wanted to say fuck it were because first my PC crashed a little over a month ago, to top it off the archiving of all of my blogs that were on MySpace were totally lost JUST when I had finally gotten access to them after so long. I was really devastated… another hard blow below the belt. I mean the legacy to how I became what & who I am… had been Fuckin’ obliterated! I was going to keep the blog page of Drunken Insomniac Writer open, mainly for shit’s & giggles or nostalgia but I was for the most part ready to let this all be another closed chapter in my life. Even the name & entity of Drunken Insomniac Writer (Insomniac_Writer for short) were going to be stripped away from my current social media.
Then I had to deal with some money issues… yeah Ms. Cheap-Don’t waste a dime on dumb shit or people was broke! I allowed myself to become consumed. Had to deal with some mommy-daughter issues! Then I got a second job or should I say created a second job as I had begun my own business apart from the author thing! Things were looking up. I even maintained my fitness regiment (well to be honest… I didn’t fall off too much! LOL)
And then it happened… My grandmother passed away (which I will share more of when I am actually able to)! I couldn’t deal anymore. This was one of the hardest blows I took in my adult life, with my grandfather passing just a decade ago, as well as other shit that I’m still learning to cope with. I started snapping at everything, anything, everyone & anyone! I mean I am still dealing with it.
And then I remembered what it was that truly help me stay grounded.
My Writing…
And so again… I decided to bring my pain to paper. When I say pain, you have no clue how deep my cuts were! My writing has kept the grip of death itself away. When I felt as if life wasn’t worth a “fuck-about-it” …it was then that I put my pain on paper! I don’t care if I was writing a poem, sonnet, story or even a rant about something… I freed myself without neglecting my issues or pretending they didn’t exist. Most chose to drink, party or smoke. I mean, that’s all cool but it doesn’t make the bullshit go away. If anything, it can increase the stress of what’s actually going on.
But for me it’s always been and will always be my writing… It allows me to approach, cope, analyze, dissect and solve many of my problems. So many thing’s I’ve jotted down here or there….so many stories I’ve told, regardless if it was to an audience of 1 or 100!
It is the doctor and the drug to the cure of life’s woes and worries!
Life had become the bullet in the chamber of a gun pressed against my temple…
Life was the razor blade pressed against my wrists…
The irony of it all is that life is meant to be lived not lamented. And sadly I was beyond that. I kept going day to day in the real world but mentally I had committed suicide. I killed dreams, goals and any remnants of ambition I had ever had. This wasn’t some regular procrastination shit. This was me giving up…
But yet again my writing saved my life…
It is here and now that I’ve decided to pick up a bottle of wine, pour me a glass and find a pen (or some cases a keyboard) and start the healing process for MYSELF. The fitness thing is still a major part of fixing healing & it will always help me maintain my sanity.
But again my first love, my bitch… is writing! She’s that ride or die chick that no matter how often you stray, she will be there for you & have your back. If I need to Set it Off, it is here that I will…
My pen & My paper are my ammo!
No more using lack of time as an excuse because truthfully, all we have is time! We just don’t manage it wisely! So it is here that I won’t promise a daily blog or posting each day of the week but I will promise to myself and all of you that I will write everyday.
And so the Drunken Insomniac Writer is back… again… honestly!
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