Why I Have Insomnia

insomnia

Today was one of those days I suppose. Hell, the last few weeks have been like that. While I managed to stay above water and positive, a sudden rush of “WHAT THE FUCK!” hit me.

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Last night, I went to bed with a shit ton of things on my mind and woke up feeling slightly overwhelmed. I hit the snooze button 5 times so literally the last thing I wanted to do was get outta bed. I kept pondering that I had so much to do and that despite advancing 2 steps forward, I seem to always get knocked back 4. As soon as I got handle on one thing and manage to kept my ship from sinking, another leak sprung and there I felt like I was going down. I even started dwelling on the regret of not finishing the tasks I set out: from especially my writing quota, getting school supplies, finishing these fitness certifications, homeowner courses online, trimming the weeds, and on and on and on it went. I even looked at the fact that I needed to take my car to get service meet a writing as well as a work deadline… Did I mention that I also put on like 5 lbs and the damn ceiling had a leak after a monsoon of rain that would not finish this week.

I was starting that downward spiral that led only to giving up.

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I began letting my thoughts control me & get the best of me but just as I could further let my thoughts of self-pity get to me…I heard a voice in my head. It said: “Just breath” And so I counted to 5 and got up! That’s right bitches I looked myself in the mirror and said to myself, “Quitters never win & Winners never quit!”

As soon as I got myself together, I went to the gym. I had a fucking job to do and a legacy to complete. I wasn’t doing this for myself so I wasn’t going to sit there feeling sorry for myself.

I started thinking about the things I did have control over and less about the things I didn’t. Not to say I ignored them but I had to shift my focus on the immediate goals I had previously laid out for myself. I realized that I had let all of the tasks that lie ahead me cloud my vision and scare me a little instead of appreciating how far I had come. That feeling was all to familiar and it was the kind of thing that makes us give up all together. I mean I had made some baby-step milestone but they were not to be overshadowed. Now I don’t want to seem like I lack accountability or am making excuses because there’s a big differences between that shit and taking pride in finishing a battle within the war.

Once I got to the gym, I noticed that my normal core workout wasn’t straining or hard. In fact I increased my reps. I later measured myself and noticed that I had not gotten bigger. Maybe muscle gain and water retaining lead to the shift on the scale. Nonetheless I remembered what I told my friends, that the scale is not a sure way to manage fitness. It is not the end all be all of getting fit. Besides I was loving the skin I was in. Wearing my first 2 piece at the beach about 2 weeks ago! It was a brave moment and like the song says, I was feeling myself.

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But I also had the melancholy thoughts of my money. I had began building up my savings and budgeting my finances. But when I thought about my balance, I nearly kicked myself in the face. Where did my money go? And then I got an email alert from Credit Wise as well as Credit Karma. My score was finally in the 700s. I looked at the debt I had incurred and couldn’t pay about 2-3 years ago when things got heavy and I was in between temp assignments. Nonetheless it felt good that I finally had a good credit rating. It wasn’t excellent but it was on its way.

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I nearly boosted my score 200 points just by making better spending habits alone, monitoring my credit card balances and student loans. I did it the old fashion way. No consolidating or anything because up until last year, I had not clue when I would get back on my feet. This way also helped knock down some of those late payment thingies off of my report. I still have about another few years before they are all gone but the future is looking bright. I looked at my budget analysis and where I saw my money going over the next few months. The outlook is good.

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That being said, we take looking ahead so seriously, we think looking back is a curse of some sorts. It’s okay to look back without dwelling. It shows your growth and gives hope towards the future. I remember not long ago wanting to move but I was so hasty about it, I nearly jumped head first into an apartment that would have definitely been an impulsive but that would have depleted my savings and landed me right back where I was before.

Nope. Not I! I worked too fuckin’ hard.

I think that’s where people run and hide…they don’t want to go in for the long haul and work hard. But if you have a vision and a goal…the sacrifice is worth it in the end!

Looking back, I am fitter financially and physically than I was before. And it feels great. I am not about to let the worst of my fears get the best of me. I am a fucking goddess!

So if you are at a brick wall, don’t turn back. Keep going! You may have to go over it, around it or even have a seat next to it and figure out a plan! But don’t give up. Remember there are 2 types of people in your corner you are doing this for: The ones counting on you to succeed and those waiting on you to fail! And in this life is where you figure out which outcome will happen!

Well Until Next Time Kiddies

shalom

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