Recently I began evaluating my life as well as my purpose and path on this planet. I really took a look at how far I had come and where I was headed as a writer, mother and above all, a person.
Then something clicked and it all made sense. I realized that nothing I had done was by mistake. I mean know that there’s coincidental occurrences here & there but I’ve spoken more into existence than I am brave enough to admit. From the people I had met, the mistakes or accomplishments I had experienced, it was all apart of a grand design. Of course I had to deal with the whole butterfly effect thing. One small action (or lack thereof), which ended up causing a myriad of other things to happen.
I had been here before, this horizon of such a crazy ass epiphany. But back then I truly was not prepared for what was in store for me and so I had to experience a set of events that would steer me right back… right back where I needed to be.
At some point, I had come to the conclusion that I didn’t need to be defined by someone else’s expectations or plans for me. And in fact, I already realized that I was my designer or my destiny me. I had goals I had set and no matter how hard…I was the only one who could get them set in motion.
We always put stock in what the next thing or person can make of us. We stop believing in ourselves and become dependent on the need to connect. While there is nothing wrong with completion or companionship, there is something seriously wrong with feeling incomplete without it.
I mean I had to ask myself over and over… How can I complete someone else if I was in fact incomplete? I realized that I needed to transfer my focus and energy on following my dreams and find myself. Once there, I had to see that until I was happy with me, I could never make someone else happy.
I had all this untapped potential and unfocused energy that my head was spinning. Another thing was that I noticed how we always worry about having a back plan fall back on. While safety is cool and responsibilities are something we all must handle, you have to ask yourself if much of your vision will become a reality is you’re constantly relying on that safety net? I always wanted to write full-time but responsibilities and duties always called for me to have a job to fall back on. I look back now at how much of my time was spent focused on my “fallback” career. And now I realize why my vision of writing often went neglected.
I mean if you’re not willing to sacrifice for what you want then what you want becomes the sacrifice. It doesn’t mean rush or that I had to be established by a certain day or time, I just needed to begin again.
Eventually I found myself back on the path. I wasn’t on some time table and once I realized that, I became content with me and finishing my race at my own pace. We spend so much time trying to fit into a time table of when things should be done in life (i.e., career, kids, etc). We also waste a lot of time trying to get others to realize our potential that we fail to see it for ourselves. We don’t have balance anymore and in turn we become miserable and lost.
And then it hit me… I needed more focus plus vision and more faith in myself.
Well how the fuck do you get that?
I knew what I wanted. I just had to get where I was supposed to be. I realized that before I was always on the extreme side of my emotions. I was sexually and mentally frustrated. So as I did before when I was down, I focused all of that into my writing. It was always there for me but there was something more this time… Something greater.
So I started meditating again. I started praying and asking The Most High for guidance. Then it hit me. I had to create my happiness from what I had and not what I wanted. Boy was that easier said than done!
So I sat a plan to fix the things that needed fixing from my interpersonal relationships to my finances and health. Once I became so focus on that, I was no longer a ship floating aimlessly.
The final part was the hardest… accountability!
I had take responsibility for my own actions and outcomes. Not everything was everyone’s fault. I had to learn to forgive and move on. This was the hardest because I grew up in an environment that didn’t always foster blame unless it was blaming someone else. It was borderline narcissistic. But eventually I learned better, which eventually led me to learn to not pacify others nor allow toxic behavior to penetrate my energy. I often struggle with it but I’m getting better.
In turn I learned to love myself and it led to my life being a lot less miserable like some folks out here… I eventually found love with my own heart and not someone or something else.