Recently I began evaluating my life as well as my purpose and path on this planet. I really took a look at how far I had come and where I was headed as a writer, mother, partner, etc. I plagued myself with the question, Did I waste my time? At first it made no sense & then it clicked. I realized that nothing I had done was by mistake. From the people I had met, the “mistakes” & accomplishments I had experienced, it was all apart of a design. Once I saw where I had been & where I had allowed myself to fall to, I could finally see where I was headed. Proverbs 29:18 says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish…”
Now in the terms of humanity, without structure (law) we are destined to chaos. So what about the individual? Well, those of us who have no goals… are set up for failure. So that was part 2 of the plan. Now I needed a strategy! Fuck, this was the tough part, persistence.
I had been here before… On the horizon of such a crazy ass epiphany. But then I got scared and distracted. I was lost. So experienced a set of events that would steer me back on track & strengthen my character. The first thing I needed to do was shed all thoughts, things and people who not only lacked vision but who contrasted with my goals. I finally realized that I was only one standing in my way. I had to stop blaming others or circumstances and start making the changes to undo the damages that I either caused in my life or allowed to happened. And so I set the goals, despite how hard in motion.
We always put stock in what the next thing or person can make of us. We stop believing in ourselves and become dependent on the need to connect. While there is nothing wrong with completion or companionship, there is something seriously wrong with feeling incomplete without it. This is especially so if the people around you do not have your mindset. Anything else means you are settling. We need to abandon the thinking that we are average especially if we think we are created in the image of something mightier than average.
That being said, I know that going forward I want to be more…always have. And I mean more than just fame and fortune. And that I want to create my own epic comeback story. I mean I had to ask myself over and over… How can I complete someone else if I was in fact incomplete? I realized that I needed to transfer my focus and energy on following my dreams and finding myself. Once there, I had to see that until I was happy with me, I could never make someone else happy. It’s like the saying goes…you can’t pour from an empty cup, right?
I had so much untapped potential and unfocused energy that my head was spinning. Eventually I found myself back on the path. I wasn’t on some time table and once I realized that, I became content with me and finishing the race at my own pace. We spend so much time on trying to get others to realize our potential that we fail to see it ourselves. We don’t have balance anymore and in turn we become miserable and lost.
And then it hit me… I needed a clearer vision. Another proverb quote that hit me was Proverb 4:25 was, “Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee.” Meaning at some point I had to become obsessed on both the goals and path I laid before me. I had no time for distractions. Everyone wants the get-rich-quick scheme or the results-no-work-non-plan plan. We want to get rich or get fit without trying. Well I already had laid out my plans for my financial and health (click here to check out the blog)… now it’s time to focus my own energy and power with my writing…because why not?
I am the motherfucking Drunken Insomniac Writer.
Ok…Well how the hell do I do that?
I knew what I wanted I just had to get where I was supposed to be. I realized in my past that I was always on the extreme side of my emotions. I was always mentally and even sexually frustrated. I was so miserable/emotional, it didn’t take much to set me off. I thought coping physically would help me but it didn’t…not really. So I switched it back & did as I always had in the past: I focused all of that frustration into my writing. It was always there for me but there was something more now… Something greater.
I also started meditating again and praying, asking God for guidance. Then it hit me. The key that I had missed out on before was that I had to create happiness from what I had and not what I wanted. Boy was that easier said than done. It kinda blew my mind but I was no longer a ship floating aimlessly. Instead of hoping to find happiness in another’s arms, at a different/better job or with a nicer car or any of those things I didn’t have…I found it in my heart. More importantly, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I had to be accountable if I wanted results… if I wanted change.
When I found myself angry or in need of someone, I channeled that into one of my story characters. When I needed to reflect on my meditations or prayers, I blogged like I am now. I never knew how intense a sex scene in one of my stories would be awesome if I wrote it while horny. When I grew angered…well guess what someone was going to die a painful death (in my books). It started to become more than my hobby or career but my own personal therapist.
Everyday I listened to motivational speakers and started to reading on positive thinking. Man it felt like a million light bulbs went off. But there was more. I realized I no longer had a sacred place to channel my energy.
I had a unused gym membership. And after issues with the hot water in my house, I went…every morning. Even when everything got fixed, it it was apart of my fitness routine. I stopped distractions that halted my writing. I started chatting it up with fellow creative souls. I absorbed their energy with my own. Instead of making excuses, I made adjustments. I wasn’t gonna complain about why I couldn’t get my writing career back in motion. I started talking about my writings and ideas. Guess what? My writer’s block was fading.
Whenever I couldn’t get focused or concentrate, I began sitting in my car every night, writing. I would spend half my lunch break at work walking to get my Fitbit steps in & the other half, writing. Before I knew it I was back writing another novel, daily blogs and a new novella. I no longer blamed my shit on others but instead found a way to get out of my way.
Here we are again!
I hope that in my journey, and my testimony, someone reading this will find their way.n I hope that you can transfer that energy inside of your into your gift and purpose. And if we fall flat or fail somehow along the way, we will get up, dust off and KEEP GOING!
I’ll admit, I feel motivated, unstoppable even… The words that once flowed gave way to pause and well now…
Finally the Drunken Insomniac Writer was back! (queue in awesome, chill-inducing, cinematic music here)
Until next time kiddies,
Shalom
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Drunken Insomniac Writer 