I couldn’t help but notice how many people are shocked and taken away from the fact of me mentioning that I am single and have been. When I reply that I am focusing on me, being a parent or my career…above all which encompasses learning to love myself, it turns into a game of back and forth where I am nearly crucified for embracing my solidarity. I am not saying that I don’t want to get married or fall in love or heck get laid even. However those things I am noticing are pointless if I’m not prepared to receive them.
Most people enter a relationship with the idea that they can make someone else happy, unaware if the feeling will be returned. We are so tired of being alone that we forget how valued we are as individuals. We settle. I have been there…so caught up in my fantasy that I missed seeing how not only damaged my relationships were but how damaged I was.
Now I could go on and on about how we are not built to pick perfect relationships and how we create cycles of bad partnerships but I ain’t a specialist and this isn’t an advice column. I just know about my own situation and how I had to learn to deal with it. But what prompted me to write about the most commercialized day to profess love was the bitterness I saw on social media. From posts about not wanting to see others post/talk about significant others to infidelity to so-called empowerment…etc, and the list went on. But on top of all of that was the need to prove who and how much we love someone.
Now it took me a while to pull away from new/pagan/western/man-made holidays in order to focus on that of my faith. Despite that, it still isn’t horrible for those who do decide to celebrate in any modern holiday. Trust me I am not judging. But what was the bottom line was the fact that I was creating the tools for my own destruction and falling into the hype that I had to. And it started with one question, “Why are we so worried about holidays and how others celebrate them with respect to us?” And then I asked myself why do we need to measure our own selves by how others treat us? What do we have to prove?
Does celebrating or not celebrating Valentine’s Day make you any less loved? Does celebrating Mother’s day make me any less of a mom?
The answer is no!
Sure it’s all fine and dandy to be thought of but at the end of the day, if I’m not…life goes on! We place value on so much of the mundane and we rob ourselves of so much. Despite being a proponent of loving oneself, that doesn’t mean we don’t in turn obsess over ourselves and crave attention from others for ourselves. Instead of finding real fulfillment in life, we stack our worth over what society or rituals today way we are worth. And in turn, It’s pure and simple, we create our own suffering. We are told at a young age that if a boy or girl does XYZ, that they like us; you have to prove your love for your significant other by doing certain things or submitting completely; or my fav, if so and so doesn’t do XYZ for you, then they don’t love you like they should; Or even better, if you don’t get attention or a gift on a holiday, you’re not important or you don’t matter.
Why it took me this long to see how fucked up that shit was is beyond me. You can blame the movies for the delusions they sell or your parents. Doesn’t matter how you got to this point as much as how you intend on getting out of it.
Maybe we all hit rock bottom before we see the light and have the will to climb out of that very despondency. Whatever the motivation, I knew for myself that I needed to pull myself away from that detrimental thought pattern. And so I made changes to pull that shit outta my mind frame. I knew that I deserved the best but not from a significant other but from myself. I did for others not for something back in return even if it was intangible like love or fidelity. I do in service for others because it simply feels good. I take care of myself not to look good for someone else but because it makes me feel great about myself.
It was as simple as this… I stopped obsessing over myself. I stopped worrying about what I had to prove. I stopped worrying about what I didn’t have. I stopped beating myself up over why I wasn’t being treated better by others. I stopped begging for acceptance and love from others. I finally stopped expecting and began accepting. It was here I learned to appreciate life. I learned that before I could be loved by others, I had to truly love myself.
….and then instead of being bitter, I became better.
Well Until Next Time Kiddies
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