I think I am fucking bipolar.
I haven’t been clinically diagnosed but it recently dawned on me… One minute, I’m manic and overjoy
Then the next, I hate the fucking world.|
Now don’t worry about me, I’m fully functional and all. I just think there’s a tiny misfire somewhere in my head. Is this a cry for help or is it me coming down off of my own high? Is this me pulling your leg or trying to lean on your shoulder. I only ask because there is no way one could withstand the level of fuckery that I do with a smile….unless I am without a doubt fucking loony?!?
That being said, I am fine. Despite life’s ups and downs, I am blessed.
I know that mental health is no joking matter but if I am struggling around a few emotions stirred with a few events that affect my mood day to day, I wonder how it is for those who cannot deal? I mean I keep it together on the outside, I meditate and focus my energy but I know that in the back of my head, if unchecked I am a ticking time bomb.
Take a moment to ponder…
Imagine being trapped inside of your own head or a prisoner of your own emotions… but instead of having a way to channel them or controlling them…they control you.
Imagine clinging to only the good memories others made for you because you lost yourself in them. You did this only to escape yourself and in turn pushed them all away.
There are voices in your head telling you one thing or another. You don’t know who/what to listen to or not. The consume every part of you.
They control the relationships you form or destroy. Like a drug, you’re addicted to the chaos of your own malicious mind.
And then one day you wake up, happy and refreshed. You have a new outlook on life. Everything is without a doubt beautiful. Things no longer haunt, hurt or anger you. You are free to do whatever you want and you have a newfound confidence.
And then fear sets it, that at any moments time, it can all go away and you will be back to being miserable and being controlled by your own demons.
Scary shit, right?
Regardless of such, I know one thing is a constant…
No matter what I’m dealing with, no matter how good it gets or bad it turns out…
Writing will always be my go to weapon of choice. Whether I need to cry, vent or kill someone (er…just joking), I know that I can fully express myself here. My silent but deadly voice.
Well Until Next Time Kiddies
shalom
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