So hey guys…it’s been a while since I got to typing and putting my feelings onto the page. But I have been trying the video blog and YouTube shit and it’s not so bad. But today’s blog was brought to you by the letter A.
Just kidding… But the topic starts with an A as in anniversary!
I woke up realizing…well… knowing that today, 11/9 was my own D-Day. It was the anniversary of the ex, I recently came to leave. But I didn’t wake up with sadness, which I feared. I wasn’t even angry anymore. I was happy…shit maybe I am going through some manic shit as a result of being bi-polar. (OK I have not been diagnosed with that shit but I could be…idk).
Maybe it was all the frustrations I took out on the zombies in Call of Duty. Oh yeah…I think it was the thought of giving headshots to the Nazi zombies that I confronted, level after level!
Anywho, I woke up happy today because I think that I am starting to find inner peace because as soon as I went onto Facebook, they were showing some happy memories of my ex and I. I knew it was coming the whole “On This Day” shit and I was wondering what kind of day it would be.
Oh and yes I cropped out our faces….no need to continue being petty.
I got to thinking about how toxic it was for me the last four years. I pretty much was in a relationship with a black hole (where you give and give and the other half absorbs and absorbs). If I wanted to go out, have fun, engage in anything. I had to be the one to initiate it. I paid for nearly everything. And when I looked back at how much I did, I wondered how delusional or insecure I was. Now before you go judging me as to why I stayed and blah blah blah, there was the whole trying to be this supportive-watch-your-man-grow thing, but that wasn’t the case. I was being sucked dry and instead of running away, I ran towards it.
Now I won’t get into details of how bad or good things were because I am happy to have helped someone get on their feet and become better…even if it meant for someone else. I no longer harbor grudges or resentment or anything that would cause me pain. Because that shit is so unhealthy and at the end of the day, like I said, I chose to stay. But it didn’t mean it wasn’t without pain…I let it consume me to the point of wanting to exact revenge.
I was so torn but I had to realized that I was expecting love from someone who could not give it (or would not). Now this epiphany did not come easily. I had to go through a lot (I mean it was beyond your typical unfaithful guy…this shit was damn near deadly). Nevertheless I got through it. Sitting here to day, happy. Why? Because I refused to let anything or anyone control my emotions like that ever again. I needed to accept the fact that I gave permission to be treated as such in addition to the fact I didn’t accept long ago who I was choosing to be with.
And that’s what today’s blog was about: Accepting and Expecting!!!
I could be a Dumbass & stay stuck on foolery, but why?
Accept who the people are in your life but do not expect them to be someone they’re not or do something they can’t. Remember, just because you cuddle with a snake and dress it like a puppy, doesn’t mean it won’t turn and bite you or squeeze the life outta you. With that said you can either accept how they will treat you (good or bad), & leave or stay. Some people are only in your lives for a brief time to teach you a lesson or to get to their intended destination. You can’t always view it with disdain that they want to hurt you but often times they just end up doing it.
But how you live with that is up to you. You must live, learn and move on!
So today I focused more on another anniversary, It was the same day I went public with my small start up business, Philly Designated Drivers. Sometine when I met my ex…had I not met, my driving gigs probably wouldn’t have grown at that time.
So I focused on that a little… but as I look ahead, I realize that too must be concluded. (for now). I woke up remembering that when you do the things that you love and focus more on that as a career, it feels less like a job. So it is now that I embark on my writing career and such…blogs and all! I’m all media again baby!!!
Now I know I’ve said it before but what makes today pretty awesome, was that I look around me and see so much to be happy for, instead of being crappy about it. Yeah I could be sad about being single but here I am no longer killing myself chasing someone who’s toxic (and he gets to be someone else’s problem). In addition to that, I realized that I had so many new and amazing people who care & loved me that, why the fuck was I pressed over anyone who wasn’t?
I’m done with the shit that made me a lesser person. I mean it’s dumb of me to sit there and stay pressed over it. I won’t give it power over me, shit I don’t even need to or will continue to talk about it
I have a new and awesome job at an awesome place with awesome people and oh I upgraded my old Chevy Impala to a new one!!
So you see, each day in life is about new beginnings and starting over…or even going back to a happy point in life and reclaiming it. My happiest day aside from bringing my child into the world was getting my book published. I missed that feeling and as I sit and write one story and edit my old manuscript…I am ready to fly!!!!
Actually…I’m not mad…odd!
Well til next time kiddies…
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