It’s been one hell of a week for myself but most importantly for those around me. Here I was pouting and sulking in my own misery that some would assume were self-inflicted! But there in my midst was a girl screaming for help!! I thought it was me but then I realized something that just when I thought things were shitty for yours truly, I took notice that there is always someone doing way worse than me.
I had a friend, I won’t put her name out there but I will just call her Laura. Ms. Laura is what you would call beautiful inside and out. But she was truly indeed a sad soul. Unknown to the world, she was crying for help. One day I took notice to her arms and backs of her hands. And there were tiny scratches and scars there. They had been healed but I had never noticed them before. Even throughout the remnants of the end of Summer, of course she wore longer sleeves than anybody, but I thought it was because she was cold. Never would I have thought she was hiding something.
Well the curiosity in me asked where they were from and if in fact she was ok, but then she told me something that blew me clean out of the water. She said that her wounds were self inflicted. She said she had grown tired of feeling numb, so she cut herself. I mean she had actually sat there and cut herself several times over whenever possible. She also resorted to several sources of highs, like weed, alcohol, pills or whatever she got her palms on. But when they did no good, she felt that her emotional high was at best when she hurt herself.
By then my mind was still blown away! I had heard about this problem before but never had I been exposed to it firsthand. It was all so surreal. I had so many questions, so many emotions surging through me, like wonderment, disgust, anger and fear. I was actually afraid for her. She told me that she didn’t want to kill herself. She just wanted to feel…feel something. It was so hard for me to fathom this. I seem often far and outside from the rest of the world but never had I wanted to hurt myself.
She further explained my confusion and she admitted it was ok. She had yet to really talk about it to anyone without a degree. Here she said it felt kind of good to talk to a friend, to release it without all of the formalities and “”red tape!”” This wasn’t her first resort but it seemed to be the only source of release and freedom at that time. Beforehand, she had sunk severely low and fast right beneath my own eyes. Here I was pissy about love, life and money issues and she was going through her own shit unnoticed. She is fine now and in recovery…a daily process of healing but she is getting better with the help of me and others that do love her.
We all were so caught up with our own daily bullshit, that we hardly noticed what Laura was suffering. She wasn’t suicidal or even they type to hurt a fly but she just felt so disconnected from the rest of the world that her depression sunk in and tortured her from the inside out. It was here that I could relate and I knew that whatever I could learn from this I would. Not just for myself but for whomever. Depression is a serious thing and simple frowning isn’t always a symptom. If you or someone you know has severe depression or has felt the compulsion to hurt themselves or others…please seek help! But most importantly, be there and just listen.
10/07/2008
Drunken Insomniac Writer 