I decided to post a new blog today and jot down some words of wisdom, I mean since I am a novelist…it should be easy right? Fact is doing what you love and cherish isn’t always so! Oddly I am without a message yet not without words. But I will put my 2-sense out there anyway! Life has been hectic for me. I am trying this new scene free of nicotene and drama. A new era, which is supposed to be full of loving me for the first time again…(sound ill don’t it?) is not without struggle.
Well the truth is I am passing yet failing with flying colors. I’m am passing in that I have not bought a pack of cigarettes since I promised to quit (about hmmmm a week ago, I suppose) Well sadly…I won’t lie and say that I haven’t puffed a few times. I’m not perfect and relapse is a part of the road to recovery…right? With a support system as strong as JENGA with no bottom, I can’t say that I blame myself. Am I making excuses? NO Am I proud? NO but still a little YES! Because it is a step so hard to make yet I have promised not to fall completly victim to the cancer in a stick. I’m doing it one day at a time, I guess weening myself, only bumming a few until the stress and noise goes away. Hell if you went from half a pack a day to 2 a day, then you’d know what I mean!
But it’s a dimly lit road illuminated by matches, lighters; toppled with ashes and cigarette butts not to mention the smell of smoke in my eyes and hair. Everywhere I turn, yes I see it, smell it and even hear the strike of one being lit. However, for the most part I’ve been good to ignore it but as I said before, I’m not perfect.
This…my friends brings me to my next subject, I have been totally out of myself yet again thinking that I could win my freedom by constricting myself to at least half of the seven deadly sins. There’s lust, envy, wrath, sloth, gluttony, pride and greed! To which I am guilty of, I will never tell but it’s not to say that I am innocent either. I thought that by wildin’ out I’d be happy but this isn’t my first time doing so. Needless to say this little trip of mine down the memory lane of sex, drugs and lies was not the cure but the newest virus. Anyway if you are scratching your head and squinted those pretty eyes of yours by what I am preaching then know you are one of the lucky few who almost crossed my path whether in person or online, over the phone or where ever, (I won’t reveal) and out of that select bunch is someone who should feel singled out. If not then you are dumber and more full of yourself than even I thought. I wasn’t thirsty or hungry for you nor was I pressed because what it is you baited and claimed to hook was in fact a figment of your own imagination and really NOT a fantasy of mine.
For those of you still in the audience totally confused yet intrigued, trust me it gets better.
What I am getting at is that I almost allowed myself to become victim of self-loathing again. A self-loathing so ugly that it disguised itself in my own so called dilusion of happiness. I was so happy to be free yet longing for the comfort of control. It was control that I did not know how to grasp for myself but control I thought I had by doing “my own thang”. I was determined to do right by me yet I procrastinated and did wrong. Whether the next person victim who has a guy or lady friend, ever wanted to cheat to see if you would because you swore that you could. Trust me the chase was no chase and you shouldn’t flatter yourself because what you thought you had and what you thought you could get were far from attainable. This doesn’t mean that I did not fall prey to deceit, it just means that I was almost dupped into thinking that I was as flawless as you.
I know it still seems like mindless rambling but like I said before the right persont if still in tune, knows very well what I am talkin about and those sitting on the sidelines just feel should be entertained! The point I have made here is that don’t assume what you have is gold because it has a twinkle…it could just be glitter. And don’t assume coal that you have is just a rock because it’s rough a little…inside there is a diamond. In closing, my advice to those smart enough to get what I am saying is that you cannot hurt someone without at first being hurt and passing it on.
I was hurt and I seeked out to do the same even if it was unintentional. [AGAIN] And again I saw the cycle rearing it’s ugly head again but to the person holding the gun WHO WAS ready to pull the trigger, well let’s say that he/she knows that I was too skeptical to fall victim.
This story, boys and girls had a point, although very metaphorical…tell me what I meant…if you understood. Those aside from the “singled out” will know 2 things:
1. What sins I have committed.
2. The entertaining, moral of the story-punchline.
You who was singled out already know what I mean, if not then as I said before, you are dumber than I thought and I gave you way too much credit.