WELL…
I have had my epiphany and after asking (or praying) for an answer I found it! Well I was thinking to myself that since my ex, I haven’t contemplated being with another man again. I mean there is the physical attraction but beyond looks there is virtually nothing more. If and when I have something deeper that touches my soul, which I thought I had before then that will be bliss. But I don’t and maybe I was reaching for something that wasn’t out there! I grew up thinking and knowing that as a girl, you grow up, find a husband and cook/clean for him while he brings home the bacon. Needless to say that this is a reality that doesn’t exist…at least not for me.
I was talking to a friend of mine from college (you know who you are) and I asked him to do me a personal favor and when he declined while pointing out why to me without saying it specifically, he made me realized that he was both searching this world for more and that he needed something deeper with a challenge. I thought for a second and though I was not offended I was still shocked. But it popped in my head that I have in my clear view what i was searching else where for. LOVE! I was here putting myself out there like a fool and for what to show me what I already knew! Life can and will hit you hard when you don’t listen the first time.
I’ve started a new lease on life by taking care of my body, soul, and my heart is no different. Without emotion we are animals, and quite frankly…I know better.
I know damn well that I don’t need to define or prove my sexuality. And if coming out taught me anything, it was that you have to do what feels right to you because if not you are committing an even bigger sin. You are lying to yourself and to the one who loves you. What the hell was I thinkin trying to run back in the closet I came out of? I prided myself thinking that I was faithful to a man, but I wasn’t. I didn’t have sex with anyone else while with him but I had envisioned doing so with another woman. I had been with femmes previously and enjoyed it but I had convinced myself that it was a wrongful fad to try and pass by! So I forced myself into a hetero relationship with someone who loved me the wrong way anyway and didn’t trust me no how! Like I always say, being straight shouldn’t have been that much work! Even if the relationship wouldn’t have been mentally abusive, I still would have been miserable. I loved a girl before and broke her heart because I wanted to prove to the world I was “normal” in addition to being young and dumb. And I am sorry sweetie (I’m glad you found a girl who is doing what I truly wanted to do back then but I was a coward.) And now here I am parading myself and trying to rebound and do it again.
So the moral of the story is not to only follow your heart but to be true to it and everything should fall into place. Don’t follow everyone else. Of course emotions are hard to deal with but it’s better than putting an quickie band-aid on an deep emotinal scar.
The reason I am showing gratitude to a special person was because he allowed me to turn my punk-ass back around and face what I tried to run from AGAIN (THE TRUTH). The truth that just because everyone says being straight is what your supposed to do, doesn’t mean you have to follow suit and prove it by taking the first dude that falls into your arms. Thank you sweetie and I got real love for you and always have (PLUTONIC). You didn’t give me the answer I though I wanted, you just pointed me back to the one I needed!
Thank you and I love you
(You Know Who You Are…)
3/16/2007
Drunken Insomniac Writer 