Hey all…
Lately to some I have been a bit bipolor. Often I am happy, chipper and really optimistic. Yet there is a dark facet to this persona. Things are doing well but lately I guess in the midst of all going on in my life I guess I haven’t noticed what is going on in my daughter’s. I have been seeing some off behavior with her. Anyone who has met her knows that she is illuminescent and such a joy to be around. However lately she has engaged in sassy talking, horrid tempers and worse of all lying to me. All of this at the age of 5 and we’re no where close to adolescence.
The other day while visting a prospective school I’ve had my eye on for months now, she had an interview with the dean of that school. Now while her accessment went very well when asked typical questions like first and last name, school, home, counting and ABC’s…there was a shift in the behavior. Now it’s not like she isn’t accustomed to going places and acting like a child should nor is she being rasied my imbreds but DAMN! I really am going through it. Before this incident I had a do a Code Adam in the mall when shopping for her Easter shit to go to a church (AND I DON’T EVEN CELEBRATE IT) Also my daughter broke my expensive glasses this morning and although I may have gone a little far, I gave her another spanking and took away her tv. To make matters worse, I had my mother saying that because I don’t go to church or to a mosque and basically because I am Jewish that I am sacking in the parenting department. She also had the audacity to tell me that this is all my fault.
I hate to admit that I don’t spend as much time as I like to but I try to make the time spent go as well as possible. But how can I when it’s spent with some type of punishment. I am hoping that the writing goes well for me because I can kiss my 8:30-5:30 good bye! I mean when I look at it she spends about 3 hours with me everyday except the weekends. The 3 hours I spend with her mon-fri is spent with me rushing home to cook dinner to feed her and my grandmother as well as myself, then it’s helping her with homework, a little tv time (most of my shows come on at 9 when she is in bed) bathtime, bedtime with a story. And heaven forbid if I need to write at the PC, that’s getting done late around 11ish when I’m half sleepy.
Anyone who says being a single parent is easy is fucking lying. Anyone who said working fulltime and driving in rush hour is a breeze is full of shit. And anyone who said taking care of a elder/sick loved one is nothing is a retard. Well I do all 3 plus make time for me.
Anyway this blog is really about me…how I have had to reprimand my child meanwhile I have a mother in the background 2 states a way who took no time to raise me giving me un-needed advice on what to do. Needless to say I also have to take care of her now that she is out of nowhere sick. Anyway I know I’m ranting but I have gone through a lot bullshit in the last 10 years that I thought I surpassed, which included a fucked up relationship, single parenting, being beyond financially broke and a mother who wouldn’t foster a talent of mine if she tried yet has the effort to bash me. It’s a wonder that I made it this far.
Anyway, like I said I feel bad about going off on my daughter because I am trying to be a better parent than I had but it seems as if it’s the impossible. Am I failing with flying colors? I know kids will fuck up…what kid doesn’t? But damn…
I had to put this out there because it’s beating me up inside. I don’t care how many books I will sell in the future because no success is better than the success of raising a proper child.
05/02/2007
Drunken Insomniac Writer 