Today I cried a tear on a note that I previously wrote. It was nothing major, just a doodle of a reminder, message I took on the phone or what have you. But it was insane where the teardrop landed. It landed on the word “forward.” Nothing stuck out more than the smeared ink on paper underneath my liquid emotions. I hadn’t cried a lot. In fact, it was a single, lonely tear…enough to make you believe it was my contacts bothering me. But it was more than that. I had been asking myself what should I do with my heart, my future, my faith, my family. And then it hit me, I needed to keep moving forward without the influence of know-it-alls, and people who have only held me back for far too long as it was. I thought I needed a certain someone to help push/pull me. But my own history has shown me that I was better off following my own gut…and the voice of God.
I was at the epitome of happiness. At the dawn of a new career, parenthood, faith, and free from the abusive chains of what was once confused for love. It was later that I would allow myself to be distracted by the same bullshit I had surely evaded. I had fallen from perpetual grace and bliss. The worst part was that it wasn’t the physical scars, I would have to let heal, it would be the new emotional ones, on top of one another. I thought I was doing myself a service of starting over and waiting for that moment when things would be perfect. But then it revealed to me that I was being selfish and stringing others along. However as I sit here and type I realize that my cynical/sarcastic ass was just waiting for things to eventually go wrong again. So it was me who was being in turn strung along by none other than…me!
We go through so much pain and craziness for someone who would never do the same. We forgive and forget only to repeat the same dumb shit. True people change but only to some extent. Some stuff is irreparable!
But how dumb is that? Why would people sacrifice love and their self worth for the sake of someone else when you only end up putting your own happiness on hold? MAAAANNNN!!! Fuck that! People think that others have their best interest at heart. They will cap your head up with shit like, “I love you” or “I will do anything for you” or “you’re everything I’m looking for” BUT rest assured there is some little thing in the way of you completely being the one or whatever. If you think about it, it’s all bullshit just like politics, words don’t get a vote, but actions do. It’s like having the password to someone you’re with voicemail, email, Facebook and Twitter account but the sneaky bastards delete everything! First off if you were all that faithful, trustworthy, honest, you wouldn’t need to pass of any passwords in the first place to prove your fidelity and your partner shouldn’t have to have the need to snoop! Love and trust are like peanut butter and jelly…they’re ok on their own but are much tastier together!
Back to my case in point…I thought that I had to forget to forgive. But I don’t and I’m worth more than waiting for a chance to have my heart broken again. You don’t have to be bitter and miserable however, sometimes giving up isn’t the worst that you can do.
Drunken Insomniac Writer 